End to the Gopher Campaign

Those unfamiliar with the gopher story, you need to ask me. Here is a letter from my brother that puts an end to the story:

Dear Chad,

Please make sure you are sitting when you read this email, I am concerned you might take this too hard. I am sorry to be writing this on such a grim occasion, but I regret to inform you that the subject of your rodent tales to family and friends passed into Gopher Eternity this afternoon. I realize the two of you had such a vibrant bonding time in the back yard while you were here for a week in November. The both of you seemed quite gleeful and giddy as I watched you from the back door chasing each other (and as Julie heard you from the bathroom window). Please let me express my deepest sympathies.

Gopher died a good death this afternoon. He had 12 full days of feasting on my freaking broccoli, lettuce, cabbage, sugar peas, and green beans while we were away on vacation, all of which are gone. He had burrowed a tunnel underneath my fence and helped himself to our food....all of it. This afternoon I saw him rummaging again in the garden. I ran into the shop, considered grabbing the hammer you had chased him with in November, but opted for my pitchfork and shovel instead. (If I were not in the city limits, I would have used a gun from my redneck neighbor.) I found the hole he dug and slammed the shovel down in it to prevent him from leaving my garden, then entered the garden with my pitchfork. He was trying to tunnel underneath the fence to get out, but alas despite all his hissing, growling, and spitting at me, his fate had caught up with him. The poor little guy that had half my garden in his tummy was forked to death this afternoon, while trying to escape. I have attached the two images of Gopher for you to see and reminisce. Viewing hours will be tomorrow between 7-10am, before the garbage man arrives to take him to his final resting place.

My deepest condolences,
Josh